The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 5

By Derek Reimherr

It's Tuesday again, so y'all know what that means. I put myself through another episode of The Bachelor. I'm beginning to regret agreeing to write about this. But since I'm doing it anyway, get caught up on last week's episode here. Now let's dive in.


WWE SUPERSLAM: NANNY’S GIRL VS. PSYCHIC PSYCHO

Tale of the tape:

  • Corrine, 23-year-old “business owner” who likes to get naked and LOVES her nanny, Raquel. Possibly an alcoholic. Best lines:
    • “Come at me, I’ll getcha”
    • “She’s a big, mean, nasty, swamp monster.”
  • Taylor, 23-year-old mental health counselor who “literally can’t” and thinks she better than other people. But dang, her posture is good. Best lines:
    • “Do you know what emotional intelligence is?”
    • That’s it. She’s not as entertainingly dramatic.

This is my first Bachelor catfight. Also, they’re drunk, at least tipsy. This feud is giving me a headache, though.

Who made the cut:

  • Whitney - WHO ARE YOU MYSTERY WOMAN. Literally they don’t show her ever.
  • Danielle M - my girl.
  • Jasmine
  • Rachel - Maggie totally called this one with all the dramatic interviewing.
  • Jamie
  • Danielle L
  • Josephine
  • Vanessa
  • Corrine
  • Alexis
  • Taylor

Who already had a rose:

  • Raven
  • Kristina

Who went home:

  • Sarah - noooooooooo
  • Astrid

Down to NOLA

My new goal is “Spot the Whitney.” This woman is a freaking chameleon. I will discover her secrets.

What we’re looking at:

  • 1-on-1
  • Group date
  • 2-on-1

Okay, 2-on-1 date sounds hilarious and awkward. But apparently that’s just par for the course with this show.


1-on-1 Date: Rachel

PHOTO: MARK COFFEY

PHOTO: MARK COFFEY

Rachel and Nick gallivant around New Orleans shopping and goofing off and eating oysters. TBH they seem like a pretty normal couple here. Don’t be fooled. There are 10 other girls contending for his affection.

They eat beignets, which is decidedly unsexy. Have y’all ever eaten one of these? Powdered sugar gets all over your pants and then you walk around with white powder stains for the rest of the day. And they make your hands sticky.

They dance and lead a parade and THIS WAS TOTALLY SPONTANEOUS, right guys?! The other girls watch them from the window of their tall tower (hotel). Everybody’s jealous.

They go to a bar and dance to some live music. Me: “Is this musician famous?” Maggie: “I’m sure her agent got her on the show and now we have to listen to her for 30 seconds.”

As per usual, their date leads to dinner at some undisclosed private location. Rachel and Nick share some heartfelt moments. Rachel talks about the last time she was in New Orleans - for a funeral - and how being back in the city for a new beginning feels like coming full circle. Nick shares his concerns that when he asks his future wife’s dad for her hand in marriage, he’s worried that his words won’t carry much weight because he’s asked 2 dads before (Andi’s and Kaitlyn’s).

These two are definitely clicking. I ship it. Unsurprisingly, Rachel gets the rose.

Meanwhile at the hotel… the other girls get a date card. Corinne and Taylor are going on the 2-on-1. DRAMA.


Group Date

“I didn’t sign up to be a ghostbuster. I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.” Raven is a southerner. Everyone should be like Raven.

The group goes to a haunted mansion. Once again, drinking is a focal point of the show. Bring on the mint juleps!...aaaand now I want one.

I swear, Whitney is on this date and they aren’t showing her. OH I lied. They just showed her. But I still haven’t heard her speak. Maybe she’s the ghost…

This is by far my favorite date so far. I’m enjoying watching the ladies flip the eff out.

Y’ALL THEY SHOWED A VIDEO INTERVIEW WITH WHITNEY. SHE’S NOT A GHOST.

Aaaaaand now we’re back to weirdness with the stupid Oujia board. Okay but forreal, I have to be honest with y’all....I effing hate dolls. They freak the hell out of me.

Meanwhile, Jasmine's over here like:

MAJOR KEY: WHITNEY AND NICK ARE TALKING. Guys, sorry, but this is big. This. is. Big.

So I had this thought: wouldn’t you get tired of kissing constantly? I don’t know. Kissing is pretty fun, but maybe not like 8 different people a day?

HOLD. UP. Raven...is in love...with Nick? After 3 weeks? His reaction (along with mine):

Great job, Danielle M. I’m starting to think you’re too good for this show. But I’m happy to see her win the group date rose.


2-on-1: Corrine vs. Rachel

BORN ON THE BAYOU, y’all. There should be Creedence Clearwater Revival playing in the background. And the fact that it’s not makes me really upset.

“I’m a voodoo priestess.” Things you run far, far away from when you hear on a first date. Swipe left.

The tarot cards were pretty on the nose. A ouija board AND voodoo in the same episode? This just is too much for me. The worst part? NIck is going to send Taylor home. When Corrine is the literal worst.

“The relationship will be built off of whip cream and lies.” Dang straight, Taylor.

But I called it. He’s such a douchebag to pick Corrine, but it’s good to know she won’t make it very far.


And of course, Alexis brings it home for us: “If I saw a ghost that looked like Nicholas Cage, I would sprint outta here...I kissed Nicholas Cage anyway.”

Do I get a medal for surviving another episode of this madness? See y'all next week for more Corrine/Taylor drama and apparently Nick's first tears of the season.