The Bachelor, A Husband's Commentary: Episode 1

By Derek Reimherr

Let's set the stage.

I'm minding my own business playing video games on my computer when Maggie walks over to me with the most mischievous grin.

“You're going to hate this idea, but hear me out.”

Okay...

“What if you watched The Bachelor this season and wrote about it? Whatever you want. I won't edit it.”

*Audibly groans*

For those of you who don't know me, I HATE this show. Maggie knows this. And she just gave me a clean slate. Y'all, it took some real consideration but I gave in. I remember my Mom watching this show like 10 years ago, but I really don't know anything about how the show works.

So think of this post as a test drive. You reading this will tell me if this is a good idea or not.

And without further ado, may I present: A Husband’s Bachelor Commentary.

Initial impressions:

  • Okay, so this guy has been on the show how many times? At some point, you’ve gotta be honest with yourself.
  • “I’ve learned I’m not perfect.” Good one.
  • Yes, Nick, sticking your whole hand in your mouth and talking is not attractive. I’m glad your teenage little sister was able to open your eyes to this.
  • Nothing like a couple of guys drinking neat scotch/bourbon around a table talking about their feelings. Happens everyday.
  • Okay, so apparently people hated this guy on “The Bachelorette?” PERFECT pick for another season of The Bachelor.
  • Didn’t Andi pick Josh Murray (I only know this because his brother was the quarterback at my alma mater)? And didn’t they divorce? It kinda feels like he dodged a bullet there, tbh.
  • “The Nick I saw in Andi’s season isn’t the Nick I know now. I like you and I think you’re a great dude.” Totally how I talk to my guy friends.
  • Oh, it got worse. A toast: “To Nick starting his own love story.”
  • I will say, though...I would live in the Bachelor house RIGHT NOW. Sick.

Bumper Videos:

  • Rachel: Her vacuum-dancing game is aight.
  • Danielle L : Nail salon entrepreneur? I guess I can respect that.
  • Vanessa: Speaking French right off the start SCREAMS extra to me. Girl, chill.
  • Josephine: Oh lord, a cat woman. Meow. Meow. Meo-out of here right now.
  • Raven: Let’s see how much I get to say “That’s SO Raven” this season.
  • Corinne: Her world is G-L-A-M….I can’t do it. She has a nanny. I’m done.
  • Alexis: She is doing the most. Sumo suit? Dolphins? Just….stop. Please.
  • Danielle M: She’s adorable. Soft spoken and sweet. Plus, she loves babies. Who doesn’t love babies?
  • Taylor: Who in their right mind wants a mental health counselor on The Bachelor??? Why? Like you’re gonna try to help someone with their daddy issues after hookin’ up on National TV??
  • Liz: Uh oh. She’s tryin’ to be that hollaback girl. Yikes.

Nick meets the ladies:

  • No kidding people are skeptical about Nick. He’s getting way too many free Twitter followers out of all these seasons.
  • Contestants arrive in the limo. *Commence screaming* My ears.
  • Danielle L : Bro, your eye contact game is AWFUL. How many times you gonna check out her cleavage in 30 seconds?
  • Elizabeth: Is she wearing a freaking wedding dress?
  • Rachel: Oh, she used a Fantasy Football pickup line. He didn’t seem that impressed. I’m not either.
  • Taylor: She called him a piece of **** and then paused for WAY too long. Good.
  • Lauren: Bonding over awful last names and calling each other sluts. Smoooooth.
  • Ida Marie: Yep, they did a trust fall. Team building, 2017, y’all!
  • Sarah: I respect the sneaker game. Not a bad pickup line. Great smile, too.
  • Jasmine G: Who is Neil? Neil Lane? What...why is she....did she hire him?
  • Hailey: Did she just use a “no-underwear” pickup line? Have some self-respect, ma’am.
  • Astrid: Asked him in German if she’s looked at her boobs. The deeper we go, the more scared I become.
  • Liz: Oh, here’s Liz. He’s like, “Have I seen this woman naked before? Uh….” and she keeps waiting for him to remember her. Wait, maybe he does. OH!!!
  • I can’t stand Chris Harrison. Let that be known from the beginning.
  • The white wine is FLOWING, y'all.
  • Corinne: What in the hell is a hug token? No, that’s not cute.
  • Vanessa: Astrid already used German on him, sorry. I hope this show doesn’t need subtitles.
  • Danielle M: Homemade maple syrup? She makes bomb french toast? Def my favorite. Don’t let me down.
  • Raven: She called the Hogs...now they’re calling the Hogs. SEC, SEC?
  • Missed-her-name: “I have balls.” Yeah, I wouldn't ever recommend saying that to a dude.
  • Susannah: Nick, you’re not the only one who’s never had a beard massage before.
  • Josephine: Yep. They’re eating a raw weiner Lady and the Tramp style on national TV.
  • “OMG Sistas in RED!!!!” Sistahood of the Traveling Red Dress?
  • Brittany: What...bend over? That is something guys have to endure once a year at the doctor. Don’t make him do it twice this year.
  • I missed a few. More red dresses, probably.
  • Lacey: “I hear you like a good hump. And so do I!” NO. BOOOOOO.
  • “Why didn’t I come out in a camel?” Things no one should say ever.
  • Alexis: Is she in a Left Shark costume? Swell. Oh, dolphin puns. Charming. And she’s in heels, too?

Small talk Pt. 1:

  • I wish people cheered for me when I entered a room.
  • Dying laughing every time the camera pans to Left Shark Girl.
  • Rachel is smooooooth. Everyone needs to get like Rachel.
  • “Tell me something you wouldn’t tell most people after you literally met me 3 mins ago.”

Small Talk Pt. 2:

  • First Impression Rose: Apparently this is intimidating af to these women. It’s a flower, y’all.
  • Corinne has more tokens. Did her nanny make these for her, too?
  • Here comes Corinne to steal Nick away from Vanessa before she has a chance to “speak French” with him. 10/10 for kissing first - Maggie did.
  • But apparently the ladies don’t agree: “Ohhhh what a hoe.” LOL
  • The banter might end up being the one redeeming (?) part of this show.

Small talk Pt. 3:

  • Apparently, a lot of women haven’t had a chance to talk with Nick yet. Step ya game up.
  • “I’ve never had to deal with fighting for a guy’s attention.” Sureeeeeeee.
  • First meltdown already? Come on.
  • *Sips wine*
  • WHO ARE YOU: LEFT SHARK OR A DOLPHIN? I NEED TO KNOW.
  • Liz and Nick are talking. It’s weird. They’re reminiscing on their one night stand and he called her OUT. Guess that didn't go as planned.

First Impression Rose:

  • If Corinne gets the First Impression Rose, are these women going to start manspreading when they talk to Nick to get his attention?
  • Danielle M is talking to Nick and I'll be honest, I like her. Genuine as all get out.
  • HE PICKED UP THE ROSE. Commence freak outs.
  • Is he giving it to Rachel? I knew her small talk was 100.
  • LOL at Corinne’s reaction.

Rose Ceremony:

  • Knees weak, arms are sweaty. Vomit on my red dress already.
  • Corinne got her rose. Be bold, y’all.
  • Surprised that cat girl didn’t start purring when she got her rose.
  • Wait, drunk Left Shark got a rose? Whatever.
  • “Ladies, the final rose tonight.” Much gravitas. Such drama. Very wow.
  • Liz got her rose. So maybe she will get to be a hollaback girl after all.
  • Cue the dashing of all these contestants' unrealistic expectations.

Post-thoughts

I did it. I think a little bit less of myself now. But this is for you, dear readers, not me.

So what'd you think? Do you want more? Let me know by commenting and liking/sharing this post on Facebook.