This is coming to you a little late. Why? I watched the College Football National Championship Game on Monday. I don’t care how many page views this blog gets, college football will always come first. Also, Go Tigers!
Before we start, I need to get something off my chest before we dive in.
I feel betrayed.
The night this blog idea was conceived, I asked Maggie, “How long is this first episode going to be?”
“2 hours long.”
“Are they always this long?"
YOU STINKIN’ LIAR. They’re ALWAYS 2 hours long. She said it wasn’t technically a lie because some episodes are longer.
Anyway, I guess I’ll recap the episode now that I realized I’ve been trapped. Sorry, Admiral Ackbar. I didn’t listen.
First Group Date:
Wedding photos? Sure why not. I have so many things to say about this, but it’s better to just show you my reactions in GIF form.
“Wow, I can’t believe we’re going to take wedding photos on the first date. That’s a big deal.” - Jasmine
“You always wonder what you’ll look like on your wedding day on your first date.” - Corinne
Let’s talk about the outfits real quick. Most of them were just silly. Gotta love the preggo shotgun bride. 10/10 laughing on my couch. But I want to meet the ABC person who was like, “Hey, let’s put one in a bikini and let’s make the other topless.” Must be a classy (I assume) guy. Sex sells, I guess.
The “bridesmaids” were prepared to jump off a bridge. Especially when the brides just started making out with Nick in from of them. Can’t blame em.
And now Corinne. Wow, what a &%^! show. I was stoked for karma to hit her in the face when Brittany came out in the Eve costume. “If she steals my thunder, I’m literally going to punch him in the face.”
But then she took her top off on TV. Probably while wine drunk. Okay, definitely while wine drunk. And apparently she gets nasally when she’s drunk? “Nick held my boobs today. Like he HELD MY BOOBS. No one will ever hold them like that again.”
“So weird.” Yeah, no joke.
This chunk of the show is why I don’t like The Bachelor. It’s obnoxious, Corinne is obnoxious. The women didn’t stand up for themselves as she proceeded to make a fool of herself and then them all when she got that freaking rose.
This gif is literally the only good thing to come from her antics.
First Solo Date
“I’m happy for her. I really am.” - Liz
Shout out to my girl, Danielle M. You da real MVP. Isn’t she just the sweetest? Their date was pretty cool, but to be fair, I would go on a date with Nick to freakin’ land on a yacht in Newport Beach in a helicopter.
About half way through the date (at least on our end), we get the saddest, most touching story this season may see. Holy smokes. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Whether or not this “works out” for Danielle, I’m glad she was able to have what seemed like a good conversation about it.
And she got a rose out of it. Like I said, the real MVP.
2nd Group Date/Liz tells all
Liz can’t handle a secret. She’s jealous because she had a booty call and no one knows?
The Museum of Broken Relationships was pretty weird, though the breakups afterward were pretty funny. Unnnntil we got to Liz. But first, my highlight:
“How many more bottles will I have to pick up before you realize you’re losing me?!”
^^^ Got me good.
Kristen’s face throughout Liz’s “breakup” had me weak. “Playa say what?” The bug eyes, the looks around...are you sure you’re good at keeping secrets?
And of course, Nick is on the other side like “I’m living my nightmare.” Hammer, meet nail. Maybe don’t have one night stands, bro.
Unfortunately (can’t believe I just used that word), we have to wait until next week to see how the women react to Nick’s sleeping around. At least he sent Liz home. She was pretty annoying.
Oh boy. Can't wait 'til next week...