Last week on THE BACHELOR (caps for dramatic effect): Corinne stole the show and Liz’ secret got revealed. Get caught up!
Just so you know the frame of mind that I’m in while writing this, we just went to the movie theater and saw Rogue One. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that I will have gotten more enjoyment out of those 2 hours than any 2 hours of The Bachelor combined.
Sorry, y’all. Actually, not sorry. I freakin’ love Star Wars.
Let’s get into it.
Wow, so right off the bat, we’re going to dive into the big news. Can I just point out that Nick should probably not smile when delivering news about having had sex with one of the contestants? Feels super weird. What wasn’t weird was his floral tie. Style points +100.
Who made it through:
- Danielle L
- Alexis (nice, “Move, bitches” btw. She consistently has me lol’ing)
- Here we go, cue the overly deliberate Chris Harrison “final rose” line….Jasmine
And of course, the women who already got a rose:
- Danielle M
BACKSTREET’S BACK, Y’ALL. But let’s remind ourselves that they’re kinda old at this point. This clearly doesn’t matter to the contestants because the Hype Train was going full steam.
Let me just say that if I was the Bachelor, dancing skills would be important. I love my wife, but Maggie’s are...existent and not dissimilar to Corinne’s (not great).
Good for Danielle getting that dance. But was it as awkward for you as it was for me? Because it was super awkward for me. It must have worked for Nick, though, as he served up that rose up real quick. Should we ship a Danielle vs. Danielle finale?
What a freaking cool date. Zero G astronaut experience - well done. But poor Vanessa, she had the same reaction Maggie would have: nausea.
“You know, it would be kinda nice if you rubbed my leg while I was puking. You know, hold me in comfort.” - my wife, as if on cue. My reaction:
Hold up. Kissing after puking???? I can’t believe it either, Vanessa. That makes ME want to vomit. No. Thank. You.
Anyway, how sick was that view of LA? Good way to set the stage for a romantic night. As an aside, I have a quick question: do other people kiss while talking as often as Nick does with these women? Not a great way to have good conversation flow if you ask me.
Great job on getting that rose, V. I don't know why, but Vanessa doesn’t jive with me. There’s nothing particularly wrong or bad with her, she just isn’t as great as Danielle M. Sorry ‘bout it.
Group Date 2:
Olympians? Badass. Nick-athalon? Not so much. Great excuse for the ladies to break out their Lululemon, Fabletics, whatever. I’ve only been a husband for 10 months, so I'm still learning about “athleisure."
So the reward for advancing in the competition is hot tub time with Nick. Is it just me, or do these Bachelor dates include a lot of time in bikinis and water?
Astrid, having won the last event, just jumps right into the hot tub with Nick…still in her workout clothes. I know they're are water resistant, but no way Lululemon is made for hot tubbing. Y’all tell me - does it seem comfortable to hang out in the water in super tight leggings? My hunch is a big fat no.
As per usual, after the main event of the group date, they’re off to a cocktail party (also seems to be hella drinking on this show). Drama ensues. Dominique cries. Alexis and Nick make out (Left Shark ftw). Rachel and Nick make out which in turn leads to a group date rose. Dominique lurks.
Her lurking leads to confrontation. Dominique’s expectations are way too high for this group date. I don’t know why anyone expects quality time with Nick when there are like 8 other women there. Nick agrees and gives her the boot. Can't blame you bro.
Scene opens. Beautiful view, well decorated poolside area. Cut to...wait, these girls are doing squats by the pool. Why?
Alexis speaking all of our minds: “There’s a lot of horny girls in this house.”
Here’s Corinne again. Where the heck did this bouncy castle come from? Maybe Corinne had something to do with it as she immediately tries to storm Nick's castle.
We need to have a quick chat, though. Can we hear from someone besides Corinne? Between the trench coat and heels, not showing up to the rose ceremony...it’s getting old hearing her whining all the time, ABC. We get it - she’s a big baby. I don’t need 20-30 minutes of Corinne-centric screen time every week.
Like Jasmine said: “I’m sick of talking about Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.” Yes, thank you. Also Jasmine, “Are you a child?” My thoughts exactly.
Sometimes a guy just needs a sassy Southern woman to tell him what's what. Raven comes to the rescue which starts a domino effect of everyone voicing their concerns about Corinne directly to Nick. FINALLY.
Vanessa confronts Nick really openly about his intentions: “I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging your actions. Are you looking for a wife or just someone to mess around with?”
S*** just got real.
Naturally, we have to wait until next week to find out what happens. I’m only 3 weeks in, and I already know that this is “typical Bachelor.” Until next time…
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